He Comes Next: The Thinking Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man by Ian Kerner

Author:Ian Kerner [Kerner, Ian]
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
Tags: Health & Fitness, Sexuality, Men's Health
ISBN: 9780060784560
Publisher: William Morrow
Published: 2006-01-10T06:00:00+00:00

If you’ve read Part I, my problem with this definition will come as no surprise: It positions intercourse as the main event and implicitly diminishes everything that comes before (and after) as prefatory or auxiliary. But as we’ve discussed earlier, as long as inter-course remains the fixed end point, our sex scripts are going to be deathly predictable and unimaginative. Men will remain rife with performance anxiety. Women will continue to fake orgasms. And both women and men will fail to realize the extraordinary power of sex as a starting point for exploring new realms of mutual pleasure and fantasy.

As the definition suggests, foreplay is about sexual stimulation or arousal, which, in our culture, is interpreted as whetting the parties’ sexual appetites for the main course. Having made its debut appearance in the dictionary in 1929, this rather arcane notion of foreplay has remained strangely static. Run a Google search on the term, and you will yield well over a million hits, with foreplay still largely characterized as a range of physical activities (such as undressing, kissing, fondling, and oral sex) that in men stimulate erection and in women lubrication.

With its emphasis on sexual “readiness,” foreplay, as defined and practiced, focuses more on stimulating physical arousal than sparking desire. If you’ll recall, a little earlier we spoke of the three distinct types of male erections: psychogenic (or mentally-inspired erections), reflex erections (that occur as a result of direct genital stimulation), and nocturnal erections (that occur spontaneously). Our basic societal conception of foreplay endorses the reflex-based approach to sexual interaction, at the expense of a truly impulse-based psychogenic approach. As a result, we often struggle to create desire from physical arousal. We pop pills and conjure pornographic images to speed the desired effect (arousal to erection to ejaculation in six minutes or less), cajoling the brain to follow the body, when it should be the other way around.

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